In the beginning, there was Cramshaw the Creator, a three-foot-tall hunchback with green teeth and a nose so big he had to use a periscope to see around it. Cramshaw the Creator customarily wore a pink and chartreuse polka-dotted polyester leisure suit and worn-out old jogging shoes.

Now it came to pass that Cramshaw the Creator desired to hang upside down from phone wires, but there were no phone wires. There was no Earth to string phone wires onto. There was no universe to place an Earth into. There was only the Primordial Realm of Nothingness, and all the void was chaos, without form or firmament.

So Cramshaw the Creator sliced the Great Cosmic Egg in half with his Swiss Army Knife, thus causing the Big Bang. As the residual detritus from the Big Bang expanded faster than the speed of light, Cramshaw the Creator played the Music of the Spheres on his five rubber harmonicas all at once.

The music from the first rubber harmonica caused the vast exploding fireball of flaming rubbish to form into protons, neutrons, electrons, and morons.

The music from the second rubber harmonica caused the protons, neutrons, and electrons to form into atoms and molecules, and caused the morons to begin dreaming up all sorts of new and strange religions.

The music from the third rubber harmonica caused the atoms and molecules to align themselves into an orderly periodic table with the elements printed up into a five-color power-point presentation.

The music from the fourth rubber harmonica organized the elements into stars, planets, solar systems, and galaxies.

The music from the fifth rubber harmonica established elliptical orbits for everything except the morons, who began going door-to-door trying to promote their new and strange religions.

Now Cramshaw the Creator looked upon this creation and said, it is good, but now I must choose a planet. So Cramshaw the Creator played the Virginia Reel upon his cast-iron bagpipe and one of the planets, calling itself Earth, stood at attention, saying, here I am, Lord, choose me!

And so Cramshaw the Creator had to get out his periscope, for his nose was so big he had trouble seeing around it, and he said, my dearest Earth, what qualifies you?

And Earth said unto Cramshaw the Creator, if you'd just put away that stupid cast-iron bagpipe and play two wooden accordions I'll be glad to host a Theory of Evolution whereby a species calling itself Homo Sapiens might evolve. Then a certain Homo Sapien will invent telephones, and you'll soon have your phone wires to hang upside down from.

And Cramshaw the Creator put away his stupid cast-iron bagpipe and began playing the Clarinet Polka on his two wooden accordions. Now, just why anyone would play the Clarinet Polka on two wooden accordions instead of a clarinet is a sacred mystery that True Believers are not supposed to ask about.

And it came to pass that Earth hosted a Theory of Evolution and a species that called itself Homo Sapiens did indeed evolve. Then it came to pass that one Homo Sapien calling himself Alexander Graham Bell did indeed invent telephones, thus necessitating the stringing of phone wires.

And Cramshaw the Creator looked upon all this and said, it is good. These phone wires will serve my purpose well. I can now hang upside down from them. Now Cramshaw the Creator is invisible, except for his shoes. That's why whenever you see Cramshaw the Creator hanging upside down from a phone wire you only see his worn-out old jogging shoes.

And Cramshaw the Creator looked upon the morons continuing to promote their new and strange religions door-to-door, and said, it is good. These gullible Homo Sapiens will never realize that I'm the one who's behind this whole conspiracy.